*massive trigger warning for talks of suicide and personal experiences with people who suicide bait. and if you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please seek out help.*

okay. so i left a comment on marie’s sub that i wanted to discuss further here.

we know tophia suicide baits regularly. weekly, almost. and she’ll have a public live outburst about it at least once a month. she’ll casually mention it on insta stories constantly. (i.e. “i should just walk in front of a semi/ im better off not here/i should just end it all right now” so on and so forth)

i have a huge, personal issue with this because this is how i lost my best friend. not to suicide, but because i could no longer handle the constant talk of it.

it was constant. he lives a great life. his parents are well off. he has a huge group of friends we all grew up with who are supportive and will go to bat for anyone in that group. he has a great job. he had a great girlfriend at the time when this happened who left him for the same reasons.

he just talked about wanting to kill himself all. the. time.

every thing was catastrophic. any tiny little thing that happened to him made him go on huge meltdowns saying his life is so shitty and he’d be better off dead and he’s gonna do it. i spent COUNTLESS HOURS and nights and days and so much of my time talking him off a ledge. texting him for 24 hours or more and staying up in that time to make sure he didn’t hurt himself. i’d call his family when things seemed bad and they’d reply “he said he’s fine now he’s playing video games and doesn’t look distressed?” so that made me start really questioning what was going on because his texts and calls sounded like he had a gun to his head ready to shoot but his parents always were confused at my concern. i suggested therapy. i went out of my way to find a therapist under his insurance that he could afford, i even offered up money to help pay for it. i did everything in my power and then some to get this man help, and he never wanted to take it. he always said therapy wouldn’t help because he’s “too fucked up” for them to handle. it became emotionally draining.

every time we hung out it was the same thing.

every time we talked on the phone it was the same thing.

every time we texted it was the same thing.

it wasn’t a friendship. it was always him talking about wanting to end it. i couldn’t get a word in about my life before he’d flip and start crying about wanting to die.

his girlfriend at the time and i became friends over this because we were lost on how to help him. she would do the same things i did to try and get him help.

obviously something is wrong, im not denying that. but his refusal to accept any kind of help other than having us be there for him at all hours of the live long day, was exhausting. and it ultimately led to me ending the friendship and his girlfriend soon leaving him after.

he’s alive today. he’s 32. he still has a great job with a new girlfriend. i’m no longer in that friend group for many reasons but the people i still keep contact with tell me he still does the same shit. his best friend is the one he goes to now, almost weekly, with the same kind of story he’d give me.

until you’ve dealt with someone like this who wants all the love, support, and comfort a friend can offer for them but refuses to do any self help themselves, refuses to go to therapy and address WHY he feels this way, refuses to do anything but make his friends and partners the literal punching bag for his emotions, you really won’t understand how mentally and emotionally draining it is. im not a therapist. i can only offer so much help before im lost at what to do. and i HAVE lost someone to suicide in high school and it still torments me that i should have done more for them. so for my best friend of years to keep me on a mental spiral wondering if when i woke up he’d be dead, yet not accept any real help, i couldn’t do it anymore. im not the first friend he’s lost over this, nor will i be the last.

and even though we haven’t been friends for years i still dread one day learning that he actually did it. i truly don’t think he will but it’s still so scary to imagine. especially after all i did for him at the expense of my own mental health. but i wouldn’t be shocked. it would be hard for me to feel much of anything for him because of the years and years of him using suicide as a way to get anyone’s attention and time. i already went through the grieving process of losing him while he was screaming at me on the phone that he was about to do it. he wasn’t. he was driving home from work on the way to meet up with the guys for a beer. but i didn’t know that until i saw the snapchat story from another friend of him out with them having fun.

so i ended the friendship the next day. didn’t tell him why. i just stopped responding and soon blocked him on everything. we have not spoke since. i’m sure he feels i abandoned him. but i feel like he used me. i had to put myself first.

now we know tophia has had a very rough life. there’s no denying that. her childhood sounds heartbreaking and tumultuous. her parents sound insane and terrible. her early adult years are extremely sad, she’s never lived a normal life and it is sad. however.

as an adult, you have that realization one day that your life, your experiences, your story can change if you want it to. we can’t change the past but we can dictate our future. as adults, we are ultimately in control of our own destiny. outside factors will always come in to try and screw things up but even then, we are in control.

tophia refuses to take control. she is my ex friend who wants someone to be there and do it for her. she won’t accept help. she’s in denial that she even needs help, both her and her mother. they view mental health help as the enemy and something to be ashamed of. there’s been so many people who have been genuine in their efforts to help tophia and her family and they refuse. marie’s brother has offered to help them and she refused. people have tried, some harder than others, to help out tophia and her family and it’s not working. because they want it done for them. they want hand outs. they want the easy way out.

no doubt it’s extremely hard to face your life when it’s in shambles and the only person to blame is yourself. no doubt it’s hard to face your demons. it’s extremely hard to look at yourself and want to be better but have no idea how. that’s why when people extend their hand, you have to take it because we cannot do it alone

and tophia refuses to take someone’s hand.

it’s why in my comment on marie’s page, i replied to someone (possibly tophias burner) who was saying how would we feel if tophia actually went through with it and i said honestly, that i would not care.

and i meant it, as awful as that sounds.

i have no respect for people like tophia and my friend. who exhaust their friendships and the people who truly care just for their own gain and ego.

my friend didn’t want help. he wanted attention from people he knew would give it to him, he wanted our time and energy, he wanted to control us.

tophia doesn’t want help. she wants attention from people she know will give it to her, she wants our sympathy and money, she wants to find the easy way out of her situation by manipulating people into feeling sorry for her. and she uses suicide as a way to do that. because people take suicide very seriously and will do almost ANYTHING to stop someone. including, sending them money. sending them gifts to cheer them up. offering to doordash them dinner so they don’t have to worry about that.

i will walk the earth for those i love when they need help. i will give them anything they need, i will find them any help they require, i will do whatever it takes to make them okay again. i’d do all that for a stranger who needed it, too. but they have to want it too. they have to accept the help. they have to be ready to change everything about their life in order for it to work. and if they aren’t, there’s only so much i can do before it becomes a loop of “i wanna kill myself” // “please don’t i love you you’re loved what can i do to help here is xyz resources please can i come over don’t do this” // “you don’t get it no one wants to help no one cares about me i’m better off dead” there’s only so much of that one can take.

if tophia wanted to, she would. i don’t believe she wants to. there have been people reaching out to help her for years and nothing has changed.

it’s why i feel nothing when someone suicide baits. it’s why i wouldn’t care either way if she did or didn’t.

she’s proven in her adult life to be a terrible person, she has said and done so many disgusting things that’s made it hard for people, myself included, to find any redeemable qualities about her. i don’t like people who don’t want to pick themselves up and do better, i don’t like people who want handouts or for others to do the hard work for them, and i don’t like people who use suicide as a manipulative tactic to garner attention and sympathy and money.

so i wouldn’t care. sorry.

like i said in the beginning, if you or someone you know has serious thoughts of suicide please get help. reach out. you have to want it. you cannot live life waiting for things to get better. you have to make them better by doing the hard work and self reflection it takes to get out of that mental hole.

using something so serious like suicide to get anything from anyone is disgusting. unforgivable. and sad.